Joy is a Gift

When all my prideful, rebellious ways are smashed to smithereens and my soul is slumped on the floor with no where left to go is when God steps in. It’s as if those are the moments that I allow God complete authority to do his work in me and through me. Our flesh tries and tries but it never gets us very far. We can exhaust ourselves reading all the books and downloading all the apps about how to train ourselves to be better. To militarise our lives so we can have some sort of control over parts of our character that we are not pleased with, but it’s long, exhausting, all consuming and never leaves much room for anyone else.

Last week while I was rushing around the house, okay, storming around the house picking stuff up and collecting empty toilets rolls. My husband decided that this was the perfect time to give me some constructive criticism. “You’ve been really grumpy and you’ve been telling them off a lot”. Are you kidding me? I’m clearly at my limit here, apparently the designated family empty toilet roll collector, I’m overwhelmed, I’ve missed two of my zoom classes, I make my bed every morning only to return after breakfast to find it turned over and my duvet thrown out of the window into the garden (okay its never like that but it always feels like it). I had spent a good hour spot cleaning blue paint, everywhere I went there was blue paint on the carpet, no whistling while I worked here but instead, while frantically scrubbing, a muttering and shouting “why!” “How!?” “Common guys you know not to bring paint up here!”

While making dinner, the baby shrieked and before I’d even turned around I assumed his toy had been taken and told my daughter off. In fact she had been trying to help him. I apologised.

I lay in bed that night, having found a splodge of dry blue paint on the sole of my slipper, and with my translation of the words of the earlier constructive criticism playing over in my head “you are rubbish, you are doing a rubbish job” Then all the memories of all the times I’ve been an awful person to be around flooded into my head. “What’s going on, Lord?! Help me” I prayed.

At breakfast the next morning as my porridge was getting stuck at the lump in my throat, I burst into tears and apologised to everyone in my family for shouting a lot and all the times I’d not been fair. Everyone immediately protested, gathered round me, called me the “best Mummy in the world” and began to list all the reason why. This was so sweet but still didn’t fix the problem. How was this going to be fixed? Then I thought about joy, I thought about when Jesus fills your heart with joy it breaks through all situations. Even on grey days everything sparkles as if in the sun. Have you noticed when you’re down you can’t even appreciate beautiful views or birds in the trees? Everything sort of becomes colourless.

Now, miraculously, I lost the thirst for alcohol a long time ago so couldn’t even soothe myself with a bottle or even take anything else that could dull my mind, so I prayed, I left it all to Jesus, I took all my faults and burdens to the cross and trusted God with his plan for my life. Trusted that he could fill me with joy. I remembered the powerful, inexpressible joy of Lord even in the darkness of grief and also how I used to “Pray and Play through the Day” when the children were smaller.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23

“Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit,”

Ephesians 5:18

I told my husband that I’m powerless to permanently change myself, to not be a “grumps” as he calls me. I just can’t do it. I explained that life was like walking through the desert and I keep having to be refreshed by the one who freely gives the water of life (Rev 21:6) If I don’t get this real drink then my spirit lays parched and my flesh reigns with all its deceit.

“For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do–this I keep on doing.”

Romans 7:19

So I boldly approached the throne of grace and God met me and refreshed me with love. You see, sin makes us want to hide and try to fix things ourselves. I’m especially good at blaming others or pretending to myself that it’s really not that bad. But prompted by the Holy Spirit’s loving conviction, I decided I wasn’t going to give myself a break on this, I wasn’t going to be kind to myself, I wasn’t going to make excuses but I was going to depend on the only One who can forgive and change my heart and desires.

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

1 John 1:8-9

Sin weighs us down and separates us, not only from others but from God. Sin is actually death’s sting. It chokes us with guilt and smothers us with shame. In a life saved it grieves the Holy Spirit. From the moment we turn our backs on sin and turn toward God, He gives us new heart, He puts Godly desires within us and we start to lose the taste for former things of the world, it is a supernatural heart change. He does the work and He does it so gently and lovingly, not condemning us but filling us with the things that truly fulfil; He works on the deep things of our heart; our desires, addictions, adulterous affairs, illegal activities, our lying tongues, our vindictive ways. He fills us in the spirit so we no longer thirst after these things in the natural. He’s continuously transforming us to be like Jesus, even while we sleep! It’s pressing and painful at times, but each trial big or small we come through singing His praises and marvelling at His great love.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Hebrews 12:11

So I sit here and write this recovering from a pulled hamstring and sprained ankle from running, egg and spoon and three legged races with my family, and remind myself I’m running the big race –

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:1-2

The Human Heart

God is for you. God isn’t against you. He grieves the things that have hurt us, the people who did despicable things to us. He fights for us so to breathe truth into our lives where others may have spoken evil things over us. There is so much suffering in this world and man in his finite mind thinks if he were God he or she could fix the world in an instant. Heal all those sick children, strike down those who murdered. Man? What would you do? Would you be as just to your relatives as you would be to a stranger who committed the same crime? If it were all in your hands, would your world be fair? Would you heal the sick child of someone who had taken the life of yours? And how would you deal with your own wickedness? Every thought you had to steal or a flash of wanting someone else’s home, possessions, spouse? Every time you’d lied or used someone’s else’s body for selfish pleasure and discarded them like rubbish or your relentless thoughts of revenge. The times you tossed a coin in a cup but didn’t bother to even look at the person holding it or like me even crossed the road to avoid them. All the times you did the very opposite of lift up and encourage friends, colleagues, strangers or loved ones. Our disputes with neighbours, keying someone’s car, wishing someone dead. So are the depths of evil in our hearts and we haven’t even got to the crimes that break earthly laws.

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:23

You talk of how God, in all his power would make it a perfect world. We, mankind, are so far gone, in every way. Our hearts are evil beyond repair. Even the very ‘best’ (aka sinning in ways that don’t seem as bad or obvious as others’ sin) of us fall short of a Holy standard.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9

So God looks at the world he made and the people in it, he sees the sin and darkness in our hearts and He comes, the Word made flesh. The only one, perfectly sinless, who could take the sins of the world. And this he does in his death at the cross; stripped, beaten and bloodied by men and it didn’t stop there, worse still, the unthinkable, God’s wrath against our sin violently came down on Him. Jesus is plunged into darkness, God’s love taken away from him, absolute spiritual torture and agony and all so that through him he makes the only way for us to be right with God. He lovingly gives us a choice to accept salvation, the free gift of life in him so we never have to remain in eternal darkness with God’s face turned against us. All the sins of all people, everything we ever did, thought and said and will do, think and say, all our deserved punishment came down on Jesus. Because God is a god of justice, sin is dealt with, it’s not ignored or covered up.

“But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him.” Acts 2:24

And God raises him because death has no power over him and only in him and through him we walk freely and free into new life with him, where our sins have been exposed by his light, the light of the world. No longer slaves to sin, no longer ruled by guilt, shackled by shame, harassed by anxious thoughts and all the ways sin permeates and wreaks havoc in our bodies, minds and spirits – ultimately ending in eternal death, both physical and spiritual, an eternity in the absence of God’s love, holiness, gentleness, truth, justice, peace, life, light, mercy, grace, hope, healing, comfort, kindness, joy.

“Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.”

John 3:20-21

When God’s holy, wondrous light blazed over me, it was the first time I saw myself as I am. Not the good or kind person that I thought I was but his light exposed the very depths of my nature and in an instant I saw that I was the worst of the worst. I understood I was wicked to the core but also God’s perfect love was pouring over me, his amazing grace poured over a wretch like me! Sinner that I am I was loved and because of the cross nothing can ever stand in the way of his love for me. “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” Psalm 103:12 and he has made me new “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” 2 Corinthians 5:17

We no longer scurry about in the darkness, oppressed and in bondage by sin but are born again. We are given new hearts, hearts that are able and desire to do the will of God, hearts that have tasted and are filled with the goodness of God and so grow day by day repulsed by doing, thinking, saying anything not of God. Jesus went through the hardest unimaginable journey so we could easily come home to him. This is the love of God, this is how much he loves every single person on this planet. This is love.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10

Soar

I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety related pain. For the past week I’ve been having constant pain in my chest, it wasn’t indigestion and tests yesterday confirmed my heart and lungs were good. For the last three days I’ve been experiencing pain in different parts of my body, it feels a bit like I’m getting beaten up by an invisible man. The pain itself feels like my brain has recorded every physical pain I’ve felt in my life and everything is just malfunctioning and coming on one after another. So, for example, I’ll get pain exactly like when I fell and scraped my arm as a child followed by an ache across my stomach then a sharp lung pain like from chest infection followed by dull backache, I can feel every pulled muscle every bang and bruise. Tennis elbow will suddenly come on, then a previously healed shoulder injury will keep flaring up and then waves of pain down the backs of my legs and arms with constant pricking of pain on random parts of my body. So bizarre!

Anyway I’m lying in bed now resting and the word “soar” breathed into my heart. How good is Jesus!

But the Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will help you remember everything that I have told you.” John 14:26

“God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble” Psalm 46:1

Wake up Singing

Jesus wakes me up singing and one of the songs last week was Underneath My Feet (Red Rocks Worship). As I sang this song I remembered there was a time in my life when I would wake up crying, such was the angst in my heart. A time when I used to cower to darkness. A time when I had no control over my natural desire for anything and everything that raged against God. A time when the effects of traumas had such a grip around my heart that, unknowingly to me, they wreaked havoc on every aspect of my life. A time when I couldn’t sleep for night terrors, fear by night and fear by day, fear even over imagined things. Relentless. And the war is still on but now I have Jesus. At one word it all flees.

When flashbacks terrify, when panic grips, fear freezes, terrors haunt, there is only one name, one name that heals, one name that floods with peace, one name that rains joy, one name that has all power over darkness. Jesus.

“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the LORD” Psalm 40:2-3

30.10.19

Grieve With Hope

A lovely little surprise at my Birth Afterthoughts meeting when the midwife said I could look through my hospital notes if I wanted. And there it was, my baby’s name, my beautiful, strong and shiny one always reminding me of how much love, hope, joy and peace we are lavished with in the midst of the darkest of horrors. The best is yet to come. Only Jesus. King of Kings and Lord of Lords, HE turned my mourning into dancing. No one cradles us in our anguish like he does. The ongoing care and attention to the smallest ripple of anxiety to the excruciating heaviness of heart, in my weakness his strength never fails to gently thunder in.

There is no better place than “Lord I don’t understand what is going on but I trust you. Thank you” “Lord I’m afraid but I trust you. Thank you” “Lord I feel so sad right now but I trust you. Thank you” “Lord it hurts so much but I trust you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you” and scripture that breathes into our souls at the exact time we need it; When my womb and arms ache for my baby – “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

When I’m afraid it was it something I did?- “I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Isaiah 61:10”

When I fear it will happen again – “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

When I think of the horror of the death that took place in my womb – “he is risen” Matthew 28:6

He is risen!

The Flesh vs The Spirit

“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.” Galatians 5:16-18

At the end of last year we began making some big changes so we could have a better balance in some aspects of our lives. During this time we had huge devastation hit our hearts. So much changed overnight and so much was changing along side this. It’s been seven and a half months since we left our old home and we still haven’t decided on a location that will work best that we can call home. This season of my life has felt like I have been stuck swimming against a rip tide. I can still see the shore but fighting against the current of many continuing hardships and getting pulled further out to sea. I’ve felt tired, drained and worst of all spiritually exhausted. 

The Flesh v The Spirit – this title has not left me over the months, I knew I was living this battle out and knew I was ‘Martharing around’ 

“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

A few days before we left our old home, as it was my birthday, I chose what we should do that day and one was to join the church, which was linked to a playgroup the children and I had attended for many months, for a Sunday service. I was sad about leaving all that was familiar and worried about the unknown. The presence of God flooded that room so much so I was in tears, his love drenched my heart so powerfully and tenderly. The sermon was about our identity but a totally different message was imprinted on my heart, it was simply –

“Don’t be afraid to step into the fire”. 

I came away at full peace, knowing the future would be hard but it would be just great and that God had the details covered. 

I moved around many times in my childhood and adolescence, my parents worked overseas for long periods so school holidays were spent making sure I got to where I needed to be. I was 13 or 14 when I travelled from Leeds to London and checked into a hotel by myself, setting my portable alarm clock to make an early flight to Lagos. If staying in the U.K. I was either getting picked up, dropped off and journeying around the country to stay with relatives or family friends. I really relate to Paddington Bear because I always seemed to be lugging a suitcase around.

This type of living provided me with great emotional and physical independence but also a huge craving for a secure base. Fast forward twenty five years and I here I was feeling the same well into my adulthood. I didn’t want to step into the fire, I wanted to stay in my comfort zone at the perimeter, toasting marshmallows and enjoying the warmth of the glow. Anything but in the fire! But one thing I know is that God doesn’t keep us in our safe spaces, what he does do is keep us safe in the unsafe spaces. 

We made plans, plans fell through, circumstances changed and we hit stumbling blocks. I became more frustrated and more focused on making sure our children continued to have access to fresh air and countryside rather than packed tube trains and the rush of city life. All my creative materials and equipment are still in storage and with limited space to design and make this contributed to more frustration. Also without our old community we were having to and still having to forge a new one. 

I made myself busy being busy but I knew my worries were all of the world. Like Martha I was distracted by everything that had to be done. I was being carried off by my fleshly desires and I was not at peace. Still struggling against the tide, my moods accurately reflected my constantly changing and uncertain conditions; up and down. 

Then there came the day where clarity hit me like a ton of bricks. We were at a museum for the day and as we were leaving the family rooms into the main foyer one of my children refused to budge and was crying loudly. A staff member made a gesture to me that I should try and keep her quiet and I just snapped. I thought ‘wow in six years of numerous tantrums, I finally found the lady who can quieten a child mid one’. I was so cross and stormed over and let her know what she was asking of me was ridiculous. Turns out that a child *can* be quietened mid tantrum when they see their mother have a tantrum too! That evening I went over what had happened and truth smacked me right in the face; I was not at peace. 

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” Galatians 5:22

Here I was with all of God’s riches there for the receiving but I’d been led by my flesh. I felt just as the prodigal son when he realises his situation after eyeing up the food for the pigs (Luke 15:11-32). My planned letter of complaint turned into an apology letter which was passed on and received by the lady. 

Aren’t open arms the best? Even in times when I haven’t had the will to sit down and read scripture He has breathed His word into me. There are two verses that have been nudging me along over the last few months. The first, “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:6

Even at the times I’ve judged myself too far gone and beyond help or hope I’m continuously reminded we can come boldly into his presence because we have been clothed in His righteousness. This can not be changed, it can never be taken away. It is eternal. The greatest gift!

The second verse that kept breathing into me was, “Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” Matt 8:20 & Luke 9:58

Where was my home? Was my home dependent on my physical comfort, worldly possessions, security of a house and the continued presence of loved ones around? What happens when some or all of these are stripped away. Where was my Home? 

One simple prayer I found myself saying during these months was simply “Lord, bring me back”. It is never by our power to change or do the work but by His to change and do the work in us. 

I love love love the lessons the Lord teaches us in our hardships, how he draws us nearer to him. How every difficult circumstance is an opportunity to learn moment by moment and not rush through in frantic search of an escape. In the midst of this blazing fire he has shown me Home. He is home. We can’t even rely on our own bodies to keep us, as time passes they get older heading straight to inescapable death and decay but what joy that our spirits, forever been made alive in Christ, are continuously renewed day by day.

“For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.” 2 Corinthians 5

Earlier this year we took the steam train up Mount Snowdon, the weather was fine and we were excited for the breathtaking views ahead. As the train chugged along past jagged slate and startling a few of the hardiest looking sheep I’ve ever seen along the way, we entered the clouds. We stepped off the carriage and could barely see our hands in front of our faces. This wasn’t what I had expected! After a cup of tea and a sausage roll the clouds still hadn’t miraculously moved and it was time for our return journey. 


Strangely I left the summit as satisfied as if I had seen the view because while I stood at the top of that mountain staring into the fog, I saw so clearly how God’s word still stands, what ever situation we find ourselves in; fog or fire. The magnificent view was still there, beautiful, breathtaking and unchanging.


I’ve been as stubborn as a mollusc stuck to her rock and my stubbornness has been overcome by His patience. My grumbling softened by his grace. My worries smashed by the fact he is a good Father, all his plans are good and for good even when things don’t go how we think they should. As sure as the rivers meander to the oceans, all we go through; pain, troubles and hardships all lead to a place that is good, there is no other outcome than one that is good. It is the sweetest assurance. 

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”

Roman 8:26-28

Rejoice

A couple of months ago I found myself spiritually lacking, the fire had gone, the comfort had gone, the overflow of joy was no where to be found. I felt lost. I felt like God had abandoned me. I blamed him for the tough journey I was facing. Why couldn’t life be straightforward, I succumbed to the fact that the pattern of my life had never been straightforward so what did I expect now. I was down on every aspect of my life. I whinged to God about it all and even complained that me and my family don’t go to church and I felt left out. But even in my angry rants and my sorry self pitying painful state, I couldn’t shake off the hope, the light, the certainty and the excitement that the turnaround was near. I waited on his word. 

It is such a good and impossible-to-comprehend feeling to have everything come crashing down around and to feel so weak but to have a well of hope bursting from the centre of your being, to sing praises in the pain because God is good, his plans are always good, every rocky path leads to a place that is good. 

I took the children to a free community event, after crafts and play we sat in a tea room tent. A group of belly dancers were performing and I was shrinking into my seat hoping I wouldn’t get called up to participate. After the audience participation was over, a man was introduced and began to tell his story. He articulated everything I had been feeling and his words sank so deep into my soul that tears uncontrollably started running down my cheeks. I felt embarrassed I was crying in a room of strangers and wanted to leave but no sooner than he’d put the microphone down I stood up, approached him and told him his words had really spoken to me. He spoke such words of sweetness and encouragement to me, “yes of course you can pray for me” I answered and he very simply prayed peace over me. He gave me a big hug and reminded me to always speak truth over myself. The next day I had a renewed strength. 

When we are in the wilderness we become acutely aware of our spiritual need, nothing and no one can satisfy but God and through the trials our faith is strengthened. We long for deeper and cling on harder and grow stronger to stand firmer than ever before. I love Psalm 63:1 David writes “my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you”. Jesus is always pulling us closer, he is “the pioneer and perfecter of faith” (Hebrews 12:2) It’s so easy to get comfortable where we are, but He never leaves us stagnant, he lovingly disciplines us, guiding us in the right direction. He continually draws us in more so we get to know him more intimately, positioning us perfectly so we can see the unraveling of everything he has already laid out before us, leading us further into spiritual maturity. 

The weekend before last as I walked along a pier I got talking to a woman and as I was about to leave she pulled me back and prayed for me, she prayed with such power and authority about deep things that I hadn’t told her or anyone. As I walked back to the shore I couldn’t help smiling because that is the Church; in tea rooms, on piers, all over the place. The body of Christ, one in spirit. He in us.

The trials will come, the temptations will come, the spiritual battle is on but it’s not an ordinary fight because we are fighting from victory ground and “the weapons we fight with are not not weapons of the world” as Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 10:4

So “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4 

Pour

Last weekend I was feeling unusually down and withdrawn. On Sunday night I couldn’t get back to sleep, I was really cross with endless worries whizzing around my head. I starting ranting at God. Where was he? Where had all my joy gone? And then the word “POUR” breathed into my heart. Pour?…Oh, pour out my heart! So I stopped ranting and started pouring out all my problems, the worries, questions, stresses, then I fell asleep.

When I woke in the morning, I felt refreshed and immediately the flashback I had a month or so ago came to mind and I had a lightbulb moment; of course the after effects; feeling down, withdrawn, irritable, anxious, the sleeplessness. The flashback I experienced had been so positive (in comparison to previous), I hadn’t considered the aftereffects. I didn’t even twig two weeks ago when I started writing a blog post called “Trauma Timebombs” and wrote –

“Having a flashback is like an internal bomb going off, the effects ripple out to all areas of life.”

I hadn’t realised I had been experiencing the ripple effects until I poured my heart out to our Wonderful Counselor, our Mighty God, our Prince of Peace.
When we pour out our troubles, He pours in – wisdom, comfort, healing, peace and joy unlimited.
And then I came across Psalm 94:18-19

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”

And then I read about the return of the Ark in 1 Samuel 6 and my heart flipped a million times because right there is the character of God; always providing, fulfilling every promise, never leaving us, never failing us, preparing the way before us, giving us rest in the storm, constantly working for our good even when we are not aware of it, leading us safely through the fire, scooping us up every time we fall, fighting our giants for us, surprising us with the most wonderful gifts, turning devastation to dancing, brokenness to joy, sorrow to songs of thanksgiving. He has poured heaven into our hearts.

PTSD has caused so much destruction and aguish in my life but it is a bomb that has been defused by the greatest love I have ever known. It is rendered powerless to the Name that is above all names. Jesus Christ is Lord.

Mountains

Mountains. We all face them at various points in life. How we choose to climb these mountains will make the difference in how much we enjoy the difficult journeys.

Most of my life has been a series of treacherous mountain ranges, I’ve wearily travelled through the black valleys of depression, faced the frightening jagged edges and avalanches of PTSD, the sweeping storms of self destruction, the fog and mist of abandonment and numerous blizzards of grief. My problems governed me, ruled me with fear, held me hostage, dictated how I lived and convinced me the best I could ever have was to work on myself to be able to manage my pain for the rest of my life. What a self-centred life sentence! But the wisest of man or darkest of demons can not contend with the supreme power of our Lord.

When we stand at the foot of a mountain, we beg for it to be got rid of or we plead for a way around it. We tend to limit God by our limited understanding. Impatient for answers. We ask why a righteous, powerful, loving God allows us to go through these terrible times. But our Almighty God doesn’t move our problems out of the way because he IS mighty. He shows us he is by safely, joyfully and peacefully leading us through them. When we put our trust in him, these difficult journeys allow us to experience his awesome power. A power that is far greater than can be described by human words.

It’s often these difficult times that break down our barriers and leave us so helpless that they push us to go from depending on ourselves or others to depending solely on him. When we open our hearts to know Jesus, not only in part with our problems but trusting him with our whole lives, we are set free. He freely gives us the fullness of life. He takes our burdens, extinguishes our worries, he shows us the footholds, pitches our tent, shields us from the storms, provides an abundance of healing and comfort, we can rest always safe and warm in his unfailing love.

God absolutely delights in every single one of us. He wants nor needs absolutely nothing from us. Love is not earned, it is freely given. He will never let you go, he will never leave you and he will always carry you through the storms.

 

Restoration

After a challenging family day out during our holiday I lay awake in the middle of the night trying to untangle my worries. Fear heavy on my chest as I convinced myself I’d got parenting wrong from the start. Then I started to pray, I gave God all my concerns and questions. This is what I love so much about our Lord;- his power, the strength, perfect peace and wisdom he gives along with sometimes just one or two word answers. The word was RESTORATION. With it came an instant coolness to my head and a lightening of my heart. 

In the morning I looked up its full meaning and have been marvelling about it ever since. Like a stone getting stuck in the tread of a hiking boot, short tempers & tantrums were niggling in the smooth running of our family. Seeds of negativity infiltrate and sprout so quickly, even between my husband and I. We needed to come back together. I needed to come back to Jesus not fight with impatience and fear on my own (notice how these feelings always bring division and isolation!). I recalled how the absolute flawless presence of our Lord, the unwavering pillar of truth had gently exposed the lies and filth in me but there was no anger, fear or punishment just boundless LOVE – My blind eyes were opened to the seriousness and vastness of my sin but at exactly the same time I felt the intensity of the love God has for me. The ultimate in gentle discipline! 

  
 At times my behaviour is no better than a toddler’s, my emotions can get blown around by my circumstances but not when I rely fully on Jesus to strengthen the foundations in my heart. He is the joy and peace in all situations. God never gives up on us. He waits for us through our tantrums, pride, sulks and the freedom we have to go our own way, waiting for us to turn back to him so he can set us on the right path. Just as a parent waits for a toddler tantrum to subside, he is always there to scoop us up into his arms the millisecond we stop kicking and allow him to. After the restoration of my heart came the restoration of our family, that evening we were at full peace with each other reading about the greatest love of all under the most perfect dusk sky.